Monday, January 2, 2012

I'm supposed to start today

Every time I've ever done any type of diet EVER, the beginning was always the same. There was an exact start day, a few "last suppers", declarations of my intent and lots of strict guidelines I promised to follow. Sometimes I even did follow the guidelines for a while, but just about every time, that extreme all-or-nothing change didn't stick around for long. In the end that just leaves me with a feeling of failure and even more self loathing. So, this time it's different. One difference is this blog in itself, the other main difference is going to be my plan of attack.

Instead of trying to reform everything about myself overnight, I've decided to baby-step it. I've mentioned before that I drink next to no water. Like none (unless it's used to brew coffee) For this week, I'm going to drink at least a 20 ounce bottle of water every day. I know that sounds like such a small step when I'm starting such an incredibly long journey, but I know me. Once I start making one small change, I start to make other small changes to help it add up. I've also rethought my intake/output thing. I was originally going to write it here, but it's really not practical. Instead I'll use  My Fitness Pal <--what a great app. It's free and super easy to use. I'm going to use it this week even though I'm not really following a specific plan yet.

Another HUGE step for me is getting over some resentment issues. I have this crazy resentment toward healthy things. Is that insane, or what? It took me a while to put a name to what I was feeling, but I think resentment kind of captures it. It's like I'm mad at healthy things. I don't want to eat grapes or carrots or things that are good for me almost out of spite. I guess because it's not what I truly want, and I'm resentful that I can't just have what I want. Wow, can I sound like more of a spoiled brat? I actually like a lot of healthy foods, but I've been so deep in self-indulgent, destructive patterns that seeing something healthy was almost like a reminder of how far down the rabbit hole I've slipped. I think that's kind of fading a bit. I'm starting to think more and more of the physical and mental pain I've endured for so long and trying to shift my resentment toward those feelings instead.

I've got a lifetime of memories wrapped up in my fatness. Throughout high school and college I worked at a little counter service family owned restaurant. It was frequented mostly by members of the cranky senior citizen set -you know, the ones who feel they've been on Earth long enough that they can say whatever they damn well please. Back then I was actually much thinner than I am now, although no beanpole  by anyone's standards. One day, an especially cantankerous old guy ordered a drink. I asked him what size and he shouted and I mean shouted, "Large, Large - just like you!" That was over 20 years ago and those words still ring in my mind as crystal clear as if they were shouted to me today. And they still cut like a knife, just as they did then. There is a lump in my throat at this very moment just reflecting on that memory. I'm sure that old buster never thought about me again after that day, yet his words have stayed with me for a lifetime. Those are the things that I should feel resentment towards, not vegetables. Don't think I don't know how incredibly bizarre that is. I'm going to take it as a good step that I can now see that. They say the first step is admitting that you have a problem. Well, I admit it. Now, let's see what I do about it.

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