Friday, December 26, 2014

I'm Supposed to Make a Decision

So here I sit the day after Christmas. My brain is wrapped up in my annual emotional holiday shitstorm. I actually had a great few days, filled with family, food, laughter. I was spoiled by my husband on Christmas morning. So what's bothering me? The usual. I'm sitting here looking at pictures and being upset that I hate what I look like in every single one of them. I'm pissed that the good streak I was on in the summer evaporated once school started in the fall. I'm depressed that even if by some miracle I manage to work my ass off, I'm still going to be a tubalub in Vegas this summer. I missed the trip last summer for the same exact reason and now I have to decide whether to go and be super self conscious or stay home again and miss out on the great experience.

I'm my own worst enemy. I beat myself up daily. hourly. constantly.
I need to make a decision. Do I continue to live the way I do and figure out how to love myself or do I change? Can I even change? It's been 43 years and I haven't changed yet. But I feel like if I could just devote one solid year to being a better me, I'd be so much happier at this time next year. I mean, it's not that hard. Eat less, move more. But apparently, it is hard.  It's actually proven to be quite impossible.

Sometimes I feel like I'm l living a half of a life. Or maybe it's more like a double life. I'm blessed with an amazing husband who loves me to pieces and a family that means the world to me. I have a career that I love, where I feel like I really make a difference. I run a business that allows me to explore my creative side and has provided us with a level of financial comfort I never thought I'd know in  my lifetime. I should be happy. I look happy. I even feel pretty happy most of the time. But deep down, I always feel like the one thing I really want, the one goal I always strive for, that ONE crowning achievement is always just out of my grasp. And it's all my fault. And it drives me crazy.

Let's see if this is the year it drives me crazy enouth to do something about it.