I'm Supposed to Feel LIke This

Alrighty. Day one on the five day pouch diet plan and...well...I haven't strangled anyone or started eating through the piles of paper on my desk yet. I'll take that as a good sign. It's just about dinnertime and I have successfully managed to stay true to the liquid diet phase of the plan. Yay me!

I started with my beloved coffee. If a plan doesn't include coffee, it doesn't include me. So after two cups of coffee, I was feeling pretty good. I can actually go quite a while after I wake up without getting hungry (we shall see tomorrow if that's because I usually stuff myself to the gills the night before!). Around 10:00 I tried an Atkins chocolate mocha shake. It was just kind of meh. It wasn't horrible, but it certainly wasn't anything I'm looking forward to having again. I drank some water during the day and then had an iced latte (hey, it's liquid!). Around 3:30 I tried a sip of the chocolate Muscle Milk shake - wow - WAY better than the Atkins one! I'm actually kinda sorta looking forward to drinking it tomorrow. Around 4:30 I had some blended vegetable soup and for dinner I'm planning on a feast(?) of egg drop soup with some Chinese take-out for the hubs.

I actually feel good. Not just physically, but mentally. I know my battle will be won or lost in my mind. I can not remember the last time I felt in control of my eating. It's like I've been a victim of the food around me, powerless over its lure. I gave in every.single.time. If it crossed my mind to eat it and I had it, down my gullet it went. If I was at the store and saw something I wanted, I bought it. And ate it. All of it.  Fast food, favorite restaurant...no problem. I'm not saying that in the half a day that I've managed to show some form of restraint that I'm all cured and will be skinny tomorrow. But for today, I feel good. I feel in control for the first time in forever and I kind of feel like something clicked. Kind of like this girl.

So, thanks to anyone {especially you, Lorraine!} who sent me some good diety vibes. I think it's working. Keep 'em coming!

I'm Supposed to be on a Liquid Diet?

So, I've been dancing around the obvious. I've been hemming and hawing and looking for diet plans to try. I considered HGC until I read about the cost and the 500 calorie a day diet that I'm sure I would not be able to follow. All of this is pretty pointless. As I mentioned, I had gastric bypass surgery years ago - the whole dealio, all rerouted. I had an upper GI recently which confirmed that all of my new-ish plumbing is still intact and as good as the day I had surgery. What? Then how have I gained so much and how can I eat so much?

Well, it's not rocket science. I've been doing pretty much the opposite of everything I was told to do as a newbie pre-op. I have fallen into some seriously terrible habits that have got to stop. I was doing some research to find experiences of peeps like myself and stumbled upon this site - the Surgical Weight Loss Pouch Test Diet. As I read through most of the site, I feel like literally smacking myself. I've been fighting against what I've been given. I didn't come about the surgery easily. There was at least a year of doctor's appointments, insurance arguments, psychologist visits and endless paperwork before I had the surgery. The recovery was no joke. I had the full open surgery, so I had a giant wound and some serious pain to contend with along with adjusting to a whole new lifestyle. I did it though. I did great, actually. And now...well, now I've got to do that again. I'm starting with the five day pouch test on the site. The first two days are all liquids. I may need some extra "you can do this" vibes from anyone who may be reading. I can do this, right? I have to do this.

I recently met some pretty amazing professional goals I set for myself. I don't have that feeling of success so often. You know what? It feels pretty great. It feels pretty amazing, actually, and it feels damn empowering. I'm going to try to ride this high and let it carry over to my personal life. I am desperate to become the person I want to be and I'm sick of being the one holding myself back.

So, I had a great weekend of "last suppers" topped off with a Dove ice-cream bar and I'm ready to make a break from this kind of gluttony and self indulgence and take some solid steps into a better, healthier, happier future. Fingers crossed!

I'm supposed to make changes

I'm not gonna lie. I am struggling. Sometimes I feel like I need an intervention. I think I'm at a low point - maybe this will be rock bottom? I just can not get it together. I honestly think I need to eat more during the day. Well, more good things. I end up bringing a sandwich for lunch and that's just about all I eat until around 2:00 after the kids leave. Then I find myself looking for just about anything to munch on in the room (which is limited because I know myself). Then by the time I come home before I know it, I'm in the middle of a mini-binge. Afterwards I can't believe what I just ate. Not necessarily the quantity, but the weird randomness of it. Cheese, nuts, leftovers, pretzels, an English muffin..whatever I can find. Then about two hours later I eat a full meal for dinner. I know how wrong that is.

I have no energy. none. I am anemic, so I'm wondering if my iron is particularly low again. Once it was so low that my doctor put me on an intensive therapy as a last step before a blood transfusion. I remember around that time I had no energy. It was October. At our class party I couldn't even get it together to get my camera out of the bag to take pictures. I always look back on that time with such sadness. That kind of extreme exhaustion and malaise is also very mentally draining. I'm not quite at that point yet, but I'm getting close.  I did go for lab work just after Christmas, so I need to make an appt to see how it went.

If it wasn't for what I get accomplished in the virtual world, I think I'd really be feeling like a total waste. I do feel productive in my classroom and I know I'm doing well with my students, but at the end of the day, I'm completely drained. I'm completely over this, yet I feel like I'm fighting myself to change. If I was listening to someone else say this I'd smack them and tell them to just get it together already. Any takers?

I'm Supposed to have shoes

I started off this week with the best intentions. I felt like some miraculous spell would break up the dysfunctional relationship that exists between my hand and my mouth. I guess that's not much of a plan. I did say that I was going to drink more water, and I actually did do that. I just don't dig plain water - unless I'm super thirsty. I do like the little Crystal Light packets but they give me a strange pain in my stomach. Maybe I'll just squeeze some real lemon into the water...or just keep drinking the plain water until I get used to it...such a dilemma. I like these little motivation posters. I should probably keep them a little more visible throughout the day.

So the other thing I planned to do was start some kind of walking plan. I actually got all dressed and motivated and then I could not find my shoes! I am so ridiculously out of shape that what would seem like a leisurely stroll is like real exercise to me. If I don't wear really good sneakers, I get severe pains in my shins that last long after the walk is over. I finally got fitted by a professional and got a pair of New Balance walking shoes with a special insole and the pain is gone! Well...now so are my shoes! I did lace up my old Asics and actually go for the walk but I paid for it for DAYS after. I have searched high and low and can not find those dang shoes! I'm planning on one more sneaker search before I give up and buy a new pair. I also tried to do Just Dance 3 for the Wii which was freakin hilarious and actually pretty hard! Then I thought I'd do a check in on Wii Fit only to find that the batteries are dead. Maybe the exercise gods are trying to tell me something.

My feet are definitely starting to get pissed about having to carry the rest of me around. They are actually on the smallish side and they have been taking a beating for way too long. Lately I've been having the feeling like a hot nail is sticking into my heel unless I wear cushy flip-flops, Sketcher's Shape-ups or Crocs. I feel like I'm one step away from old lady orthopedics with velcro straps, for cripes sake! I have a closet full of cute shoes that I can't even think about wearing because I know the pain I'll be in the next day. At least they have lots of company with all of the clothes I can't even think about wearing.

On the up side, I did drink quite a bit of water today - almost a full bottle while writing this. The down side...I used it to wash down some Milk Duds from my Christmas stocking. Please, even I know how insane I am. Here I sit writing about wanting to lose weight while I eat Milk Duds?! WTF is wrong with me. I mean seriously.

I'm supposed to start today

Every time I've ever done any type of diet EVER, the beginning was always the same. There was an exact start day, a few "last suppers", declarations of my intent and lots of strict guidelines I promised to follow. Sometimes I even did follow the guidelines for a while, but just about every time, that extreme all-or-nothing change didn't stick around for long. In the end that just leaves me with a feeling of failure and even more self loathing. So, this time it's different. One difference is this blog in itself, the other main difference is going to be my plan of attack.

Instead of trying to reform everything about myself overnight, I've decided to baby-step it. I've mentioned before that I drink next to no water. Like none (unless it's used to brew coffee) For this week, I'm going to drink at least a 20 ounce bottle of water every day. I know that sounds like such a small step when I'm starting such an incredibly long journey, but I know me. Once I start making one small change, I start to make other small changes to help it add up. I've also rethought my intake/output thing. I was originally going to write it here, but it's really not practical. Instead I'll use  My Fitness Pal <--what a great app. It's free and super easy to use. I'm going to use it this week even though I'm not really following a specific plan yet.

Another HUGE step for me is getting over some resentment issues. I have this crazy resentment toward healthy things. Is that insane, or what? It took me a while to put a name to what I was feeling, but I think resentment kind of captures it. It's like I'm mad at healthy things. I don't want to eat grapes or carrots or things that are good for me almost out of spite. I guess because it's not what I truly want, and I'm resentful that I can't just have what I want. Wow, can I sound like more of a spoiled brat? I actually like a lot of healthy foods, but I've been so deep in self-indulgent, destructive patterns that seeing something healthy was almost like a reminder of how far down the rabbit hole I've slipped. I think that's kind of fading a bit. I'm starting to think more and more of the physical and mental pain I've endured for so long and trying to shift my resentment toward those feelings instead.

I've got a lifetime of memories wrapped up in my fatness. Throughout high school and college I worked at a little counter service family owned restaurant. It was frequented mostly by members of the cranky senior citizen set -you know, the ones who feel they've been on Earth long enough that they can say whatever they damn well please. Back then I was actually much thinner than I am now, although no beanpole  by anyone's standards. One day, an especially cantankerous old guy ordered a drink. I asked him what size and he shouted and I mean shouted, "Large, Large - just like you!" That was over 20 years ago and those words still ring in my mind as crystal clear as if they were shouted to me today. And they still cut like a knife, just as they did then. There is a lump in my throat at this very moment just reflecting on that memory. I'm sure that old buster never thought about me again after that day, yet his words have stayed with me for a lifetime. Those are the things that I should feel resentment towards, not vegetables. Don't think I don't know how incredibly bizarre that is. I'm going to take it as a good step that I can now see that. They say the first step is admitting that you have a problem. Well, I admit it. Now, let's see what I do about it.