Sunday, December 18, 2011

I'm supposed to move easier

Lately I've actually been finding it hard to move myself. Like flipping over in bed and getting up and down. I am carrying around some serious extra pounds. Not a few I wish I could wear skinny jeans pounds, but more like I'm finding it hard to do simple things pounds . I still can not believe I've gotten myself into this position. It's really pissing me off that I have to go back to the start and begin this whole thing over again. What's the alternative? Just be a big fat, fatty? I can't pretend I love myself this way or that I'm happy this way. More power to those who can. I believe there are people who can be large and in charge and full of confidence with a trunk full of junk. I can not.

Maneuvering in and out of restaurant booths is getting more difficult and it's next to impossible to look the least bit feminine exiting the car. It literally hurts my legs to squat down at this point. I almost feel like my skin is being stretched well beyond the point of its elasticity. Sitting on the floor is completely out of the question. That really bothers me as a teacher. Some of the best classroom experiences were those in which I was sitting on the floor with my kids. Currently, I have a director's chair that I sit in while the kids sit on the carpet in front of me. For one thing, the chair moans and creaks way too much for my comfort level and for another, there's such a distance between me the kids. It just feels very unnatural. I'm supposed to be on the floor with them or at the very least sitting comfortably with my legs crossed in the chair, not squeezed in so tight that I worry that the chair leave the floor, still attached to my rump, when I stand up.

I am so tired of sizing up chairs before I sit down to complete some useless mental math calculation of my ass width vs. the size and stability of the chair about to receive it. It's exhausting, embarrassing and pointless. The ass always wins. Always.

I keep saying that I'll start after the new year. Really, what's the point of trying to "being good" now, a week before Christmas? I am going to try to drink more water starting now though. I think I could be a little dehydrated. I seriously am part camel. I drink tons of coffee daily and next to no water. There are days when I literally drink only a sip or two of water to swallow a pill for a headache, which is probably because I need to drink more water! <--vicious cycle, anyone? Maybe if I start with some baby steps now, it won't be such a shock to the system when I really do "start". I usually jump into a diet with a cold-turkey, all at once, obsessive nature that seems to get me nowhere. This time I really want to do it differently so I end up with a different outcome. Wouldn't it be so nice if this time next year, I was writing  about shopping for something fun to wear for the holidays or actually being excited about going to parties or seeing old friends? The only thing standing in the way of that happening is me. I am my own worst enemy. I've really got to find a way to get along better with myself!

Continuing with my intake/output idea, here's today:
scrambled eggs w/ cheese
3 slices of bacon
english muffin w/butter
3+ cups of coffee
3 pieces of homemade pizza
2 small bags of Skinny Cow candy <--way better than I expected!! These are going to be a great snack/treat when I really get on some type of plan
(it's only 4:30)

Well, I took two naps and suggested that we go for a walk, but never actually did so. This has got to change.


  1. I started at the beginning.
    I have pompoms.

    What if you think of this journey as a great "Movie" being written and filmed at the same time.

    What actress will be cast to play you?

    Just want to know that I'm really proud of you for channeling your wit and capability into this journal. It will help others as well.


    I'm going to keep reading.
    I'm going to help keep you accountable.
    I'm going to ask you about your progress in person -- and you will be looking me in the eyes with your response.

    Just sayin'
    Maybe its time to go for a walk?

  2. Thank you for writing this blog! Reading it is much like I'm reading my own diary. I think a lot of these things about myself on a daily basis. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

    Hang in there! You can do this!