I'm Supposed to Start Over

So, by start over, I don't mean the whole diet/exercise thing. Well, not entirely. My approach to the dieting part is supposed to be different because my internal plumbing is different. I wrote a bit about it here, but the gist is that I had gastric bypass surgery about 11 years ago. I try to ignore this part of my reality. Mostly because it really pisses me off. To think of all I went through to have the surgery, the insurance rigmarole, the endless doctor's appointments, the pain, the recovery, the success - and mostly the failure. The failure that smacks me in the face every time I pass a mirror. Every time I get dressed. Every time I'm out of breath. Every time I'm sweating when everyone else is cold. So pretty much all the time.

There was success. I lost 135 pounds. I kept it off for a few years even. Then the excuse train goes something like this. All of these events took place over a series of about 2 and a half years:

1. My mother died unexpectedly {sadness, guilt, eat, eat, eat}
2. We took a month long trip to California {eat out every single meal at top notch restaurants. Vacation. Happiness. eat, eat, eat}
3. Decide to renovate our teeny tiny villa kitchen {super long construction process. no kitchen. Frustration, laziness, eating out A LOT. eat, eat eat}
4. Finish reno. Put house on the market. It MUST stay spotless at all times for random showings. So, of course, we can't possibly cook. {eat out. all meals. every day}
5. Sell house, move in with in-laws for 2 months before we could close on the new house {ridiculously delicious Italian home-cooked meals every night, with leftovers for lunch. Hubby and I needing some time away, so trips to get coffee, dessert, weekend getaways, eat, eat, eat}
6. Close on the new house. Move it - immediately start ripping apart kitchen to renovate. {eat out every meal...}

Notice a pattern? Every time our life was in some type of transition, we ate. A lot. I eat to comfort myself, to reward myself, to entertain myself. I actually managed to keep off most of the weight throughout those times. By the time we moved into the new house, I was up a bit but I remember the clothes I was wearing then and I was definitely not too up. Then once we got settled in the house there was endless construction and all kinds of craziness. By then we were in such a terrible pattern of eating out every night - and it really has just continued on for the last 7 years. It's insane the amount of money we spend in restaurants. It shows. And it needs to stop.

So again I'm embarking on the 5-Day Pouch Test diet. I've done this before. It's a way for me to get back to the way I'm supposed to be eating since I've had the surgery. Tomorrow is Day 1. It's got to be the thousandth "Day 1" of my life. If I can just turn this Day 1 into a string of days that amount to something.

I'm Supposed to Make a Decision

So here I sit the day after Christmas. My brain is wrapped up in my annual emotional holiday shitstorm. I actually had a great few days, filled with family, food, laughter. I was spoiled by my husband on Christmas morning. So what's bothering me? The usual. I'm sitting here looking at pictures and being upset that I hate what I look like in every single one of them. I'm pissed that the good streak I was on in the summer evaporated once school started in the fall. I'm depressed that even if by some miracle I manage to work my ass off, I'm still going to be a tubalub in Vegas this summer. I missed the trip last summer for the same exact reason and now I have to decide whether to go and be super self conscious or stay home again and miss out on the great experience.

I'm my own worst enemy. I beat myself up daily. hourly. constantly.
I need to make a decision. Do I continue to live the way I do and figure out how to love myself or do I change? Can I even change? It's been 43 years and I haven't changed yet. But I feel like if I could just devote one solid year to being a better me, I'd be so much happier at this time next year. I mean, it's not that hard. Eat less, move more. But apparently, it is hard.  It's actually proven to be quite impossible.

Sometimes I feel like I'm l living a half of a life. Or maybe it's more like a double life. I'm blessed with an amazing husband who loves me to pieces and a family that means the world to me. I have a career that I love, where I feel like I really make a difference. I run a business that allows me to explore my creative side and has provided us with a level of financial comfort I never thought I'd know in  my lifetime. I should be happy. I look happy. I even feel pretty happy most of the time. But deep down, I always feel like the one thing I really want, the one goal I always strive for, that ONE crowning achievement is always just out of my grasp. And it's all my fault. And it drives me crazy.

Let's see if this is the year it drives me crazy enouth to do something about it.

I'm Supposed to Get Right Back at It

So yesterday I bitched and complained and cried about how sloooooowwww the weight is coming off. It was my birthday. So I had a boycott day. I was a rebel. I had a sausage pizza from my very favorite pizza place. My snack was a nice fatty Starbucks. Then some cold leftover pizza. Then for dinner? A big juicy hamburger and real FRIED french fries from Shake Shack. Oh, I'm not even done. On the way home, we stopped at Cheesecake Factory and took home a big ol' slab of calories. Here's my chubby cheeks blowing out the candle.

It was good. All of it. It was like old times before I broke up with restaurants and eating like a hog. I was secretly hoping that at some point during the day I would feel sick and think - "see this is why I'm eating healthy!" but guess what. I didn't. I liked it...

This is kind of funny - Jeff bought me two new Leslie Sansone power walking tapes. I really wanted to just preview them a little to see which one we'd start with. So we watched them while we ate our cheesecake. So wrong that it almost felt right.

I think I could safely say yesterday was a binge. But something was different this time. Normally a binge like that for me means a few more days (a month, a year?) of horrible binge-like eating. But I kind of knew all day yesterday that this was a one shot deal. It was my birthday, I was mad at not seeing results, and I purposely ate whatever I wanted. I even still entered it into  My Fitness Pal because I didn't want to lose my 34 day streak! I had never seen that angry red line before... oops!

So my intentional one day birthday/pity party binge is over. And today I'm not feeling mad or pissed or even like it will be hard to get back on track. I'm ready to make some changes to my diet - really be more mindful of the clean eating strategy, say tootles to Starbucks for a while, and guzzle water like an elephant. I'll be lacing up my sneakers in a bit to pound some tile with Leslie. And I'll get on the scale next Saturday and hopefully be rewarded for my effort. Right?

I'm Supposed to See Results

Yeah, supposed to but NOT! I have been at this healthy new lifestyle of mine for 34 days now. See?

That's 34 days of exercising twice a day, just about every day and counting EVERY.SINGLE.CALORIE I've eaten. And I've lost a grand total of 10 pounds. Not even, it's 9.6. My Fitness Pal rounds up...

I have to say, I'm a bit discouraged. Not really for the 10 pounds. If I could lose 10 pounds in a month, every month, I'd be a happy camper. The problem is that over the last three weeks, I've only lost a total of two pounds. Three weeks of HARD work for two pounds? So each of the last three weeks when I weighed myself (on Saturdays only) I'm seeing the scale nudge under a half pound each time. When you've got a crapton to lose like me, that's some slow ass progress. I keep hoping that one Saturday I'll lose some crazy amount like 3 or 4 pounds to make up for it, but no.  Ready for this? What happened this week? On my flippin' birthday, no less? I GAINED a pound! For serious?!

Is this a test of my patience? my faith? my commitment to a healthy lifestyle? I'm putting in the work - the hard work - for the first time in a long time. I'm not following some fad diet, no pills, or potions. I'm doing it the "right" way for the first time... and I'm not seeing results. That's disheartening.

I gave up my whole summer to devote myself to getting on track. I didn't go to Vegas with all of my teacher friends. I haven't taken a vacation. I haven't even gone away for a day trip with my husband! I really wanted to go back to school with some noticeable results to show for all of my sacrifice, all of my effort, but it's not looking like that's going to happen. Makes me kinda want to cry.

I'm not even seeing those "non-scale victories". My clothes feel about the same. I think I look the same. I do feel a little better. I have more energy and I'm proud of the level of rigorous (for me) exercise I've worked up to - but I NEED real results. Like pounds lost, loose clothes, bubble butt shrinking results. 

Strangely, it's not enough yet to make me give up. This is the longest time that I can remember that I've been consistent with exercise and healthy eating and I'm not quite ready to throw it all away. Oh, I've cried and pouted and thrown a massive hissy fit - but I'm not ready to give up. 

I'm going to keep chugging along. I'm going to up my water intake next week and cut out my beloved Starbucks (even though it's way skinnied down already). I can't say I'll exercise more - I think twice a day is enough. I did make a doctor's appointment to see if maybe, just maybe there's a medical reason this is happening? Maybe I'll step on the scale next week and be rewarded with a big ol' drop and I'll feel elated. Or maybe it will be less than half a pound and I'll cry in my coffee again. Only time will tell...

I'm Supposed to Cook

I actually like to cook. There's a weird sense of satisfaction that comes with preparing a meal at home and knowing it's so much better for you and way less expensive than a restaurant meal. Now this comes from a person who, for the last few years, has eaten the majority of her meals in restaurants. I'm not even joking. There were weekends when hubs and I would eat out three meals a day. Why? Laziness. Convenience. Lack of planning ahead. And we happen to live in an area with a crapton of great restaurants. Oh, and we just plain love food. a lot.

One thing I know for sure is that restaurant food has so many hidden calories. When we were attempting to  "be good" a server we became friendly with told us that they dip the steaks in butter before serving! No wonder they're so much juicier than the ones I make at home, right?

So now that it's summer, I've been experimenting a little in the kitchen. Jeff is a meat & potatoes kind of guy so sometimes Im pretty choosy about what I cook because I want to be sure he enjoys it too. {Am I a good wife or what?} Today Im sharing one of the recipes I made recently that we both really loved. It's this Spicy Baked Shrimp {recipe}

I'm seriously picky when it comes to shrimp. It has to have that firm texture that pops when you bite into it, and when it's cooked this way it totally does. I start with a bag of frozen, uncooked EZ Peel shrimp from Sam's, defrost and peel and then just follow the recipe pretty much as written. I did leave out the cayenne pepper, mostly because I didn't have it - and it was spicy enough for me without. I entered the recipe into a calorie calculator and found that if you divide it into four servings, each serving has 344 calories. Not so bad! I served it with my famous roasted broccoli and some frozen polenta from Trader Joes and the whole yummy satisfying meal came to 469 calories.

I made it again last night with some green beans and low fat Rice a Roni and it was just as yummy. It heats up pretty good for lunch the next today too. This recipe is also quick and easy so I can see it being a good go-to once school is back in session. Give it a try and let me know what you think!