I'm Supposed to Start Over

So, by start over, I don't mean the whole diet/exercise thing. Well, not entirely. My approach to the dieting part is supposed to be different because my internal plumbing is different. I wrote a bit about it here, but the gist is that I had gastric bypass surgery about 11 years ago. I try to ignore this part of my reality. Mostly because it really pisses me off. To think of all I went through to have the surgery, the insurance rigmarole, the endless doctor's appointments, the pain, the recovery, the success - and mostly the failure. The failure that smacks me in the face every time I pass a mirror. Every time I get dressed. Every time I'm out of breath. Every time I'm sweating when everyone else is cold. So pretty much all the time.

There was success. I lost 135 pounds. I kept it off for a few years even. Then the excuse train goes something like this. All of these events took place over a series of about 2 and a half years:

1. My mother died unexpectedly {sadness, guilt, eat, eat, eat}
2. We took a month long trip to California {eat out every single meal at top notch restaurants. Vacation. Happiness. eat, eat, eat}
3. Decide to renovate our teeny tiny villa kitchen {super long construction process. no kitchen. Frustration, laziness, eating out A LOT. eat, eat eat}
4. Finish reno. Put house on the market. It MUST stay spotless at all times for random showings. So, of course, we can't possibly cook. {eat out. all meals. every day}
5. Sell house, move in with in-laws for 2 months before we could close on the new house {ridiculously delicious Italian home-cooked meals every night, with leftovers for lunch. Hubby and I needing some time away, so trips to get coffee, dessert, weekend getaways, eat, eat, eat}
6. Close on the new house. Move it - immediately start ripping apart kitchen to renovate. {eat out every meal...}

Notice a pattern? Every time our life was in some type of transition, we ate. A lot. I eat to comfort myself, to reward myself, to entertain myself. I actually managed to keep off most of the weight throughout those times. By the time we moved into the new house, I was up a bit but I remember the clothes I was wearing then and I was definitely not too up. Then once we got settled in the house there was endless construction and all kinds of craziness. By then we were in such a terrible pattern of eating out every night - and it really has just continued on for the last 7 years. It's insane the amount of money we spend in restaurants. It shows. And it needs to stop.

So again I'm embarking on the 5-Day Pouch Test diet. I've done this before. It's a way for me to get back to the way I'm supposed to be eating since I've had the surgery. Tomorrow is Day 1. It's got to be the thousandth "Day 1" of my life. If I can just turn this Day 1 into a string of days that amount to something.

I'm Supposed to Make a Decision

So here I sit the day after Christmas. My brain is wrapped up in my annual emotional holiday shitstorm. I actually had a great few days, filled with family, food, laughter. I was spoiled by my husband on Christmas morning. So what's bothering me? The usual. I'm sitting here looking at pictures and being upset that I hate what I look like in every single one of them. I'm pissed that the good streak I was on in the summer evaporated once school started in the fall. I'm depressed that even if by some miracle I manage to work my ass off, I'm still going to be a tubalub in Vegas this summer. I missed the trip last summer for the same exact reason and now I have to decide whether to go and be super self conscious or stay home again and miss out on the great experience.

I'm my own worst enemy. I beat myself up daily. hourly. constantly.
I need to make a decision. Do I continue to live the way I do and figure out how to love myself or do I change? Can I even change? It's been 43 years and I haven't changed yet. But I feel like if I could just devote one solid year to being a better me, I'd be so much happier at this time next year. I mean, it's not that hard. Eat less, move more. But apparently, it is hard.  It's actually proven to be quite impossible.

Sometimes I feel like I'm l living a half of a life. Or maybe it's more like a double life. I'm blessed with an amazing husband who loves me to pieces and a family that means the world to me. I have a career that I love, where I feel like I really make a difference. I run a business that allows me to explore my creative side and has provided us with a level of financial comfort I never thought I'd know in  my lifetime. I should be happy. I look happy. I even feel pretty happy most of the time. But deep down, I always feel like the one thing I really want, the one goal I always strive for, that ONE crowning achievement is always just out of my grasp. And it's all my fault. And it drives me crazy.

Let's see if this is the year it drives me crazy enouth to do something about it.

I'm Supposed to Get Right Back at It

So yesterday I bitched and complained and cried about how sloooooowwww the weight is coming off. It was my birthday. So I had a boycott day. I was a rebel. I had a sausage pizza from my very favorite pizza place. My snack was a nice fatty Starbucks. Then some cold leftover pizza. Then for dinner? A big juicy hamburger and real FRIED french fries from Shake Shack. Oh, I'm not even done. On the way home, we stopped at Cheesecake Factory and took home a big ol' slab of calories. Here's my chubby cheeks blowing out the candle.

It was good. All of it. It was like old times before I broke up with restaurants and eating like a hog. I was secretly hoping that at some point during the day I would feel sick and think - "see this is why I'm eating healthy!" but guess what. I didn't. I liked it...

This is kind of funny - Jeff bought me two new Leslie Sansone power walking tapes. I really wanted to just preview them a little to see which one we'd start with. So we watched them while we ate our cheesecake. So wrong that it almost felt right.

I think I could safely say yesterday was a binge. But something was different this time. Normally a binge like that for me means a few more days (a month, a year?) of horrible binge-like eating. But I kind of knew all day yesterday that this was a one shot deal. It was my birthday, I was mad at not seeing results, and I purposely ate whatever I wanted. I even still entered it into  My Fitness Pal because I didn't want to lose my 34 day streak! I had never seen that angry red line before... oops!

So my intentional one day birthday/pity party binge is over. And today I'm not feeling mad or pissed or even like it will be hard to get back on track. I'm ready to make some changes to my diet - really be more mindful of the clean eating strategy, say tootles to Starbucks for a while, and guzzle water like an elephant. I'll be lacing up my sneakers in a bit to pound some tile with Leslie. And I'll get on the scale next Saturday and hopefully be rewarded for my effort. Right?

I'm Supposed to See Results

Yeah, supposed to but NOT! I have been at this healthy new lifestyle of mine for 34 days now. See?

That's 34 days of exercising twice a day, just about every day and counting EVERY.SINGLE.CALORIE I've eaten. And I've lost a grand total of 10 pounds. Not even, it's 9.6. My Fitness Pal rounds up...

I have to say, I'm a bit discouraged. Not really for the 10 pounds. If I could lose 10 pounds in a month, every month, I'd be a happy camper. The problem is that over the last three weeks, I've only lost a total of two pounds. Three weeks of HARD work for two pounds? So each of the last three weeks when I weighed myself (on Saturdays only) I'm seeing the scale nudge under a half pound each time. When you've got a crapton to lose like me, that's some slow ass progress. I keep hoping that one Saturday I'll lose some crazy amount like 3 or 4 pounds to make up for it, but no.  Ready for this? What happened this week? On my flippin' birthday, no less? I GAINED a pound! For serious?!

Is this a test of my patience? my faith? my commitment to a healthy lifestyle? I'm putting in the work - the hard work - for the first time in a long time. I'm not following some fad diet, no pills, or potions. I'm doing it the "right" way for the first time... and I'm not seeing results. That's disheartening.

I gave up my whole summer to devote myself to getting on track. I didn't go to Vegas with all of my teacher friends. I haven't taken a vacation. I haven't even gone away for a day trip with my husband! I really wanted to go back to school with some noticeable results to show for all of my sacrifice, all of my effort, but it's not looking like that's going to happen. Makes me kinda want to cry.

I'm not even seeing those "non-scale victories". My clothes feel about the same. I think I look the same. I do feel a little better. I have more energy and I'm proud of the level of rigorous (for me) exercise I've worked up to - but I NEED real results. Like pounds lost, loose clothes, bubble butt shrinking results. 

Strangely, it's not enough yet to make me give up. This is the longest time that I can remember that I've been consistent with exercise and healthy eating and I'm not quite ready to throw it all away. Oh, I've cried and pouted and thrown a massive hissy fit - but I'm not ready to give up. 

I'm going to keep chugging along. I'm going to up my water intake next week and cut out my beloved Starbucks (even though it's way skinnied down already). I can't say I'll exercise more - I think twice a day is enough. I did make a doctor's appointment to see if maybe, just maybe there's a medical reason this is happening? Maybe I'll step on the scale next week and be rewarded with a big ol' drop and I'll feel elated. Or maybe it will be less than half a pound and I'll cry in my coffee again. Only time will tell...

I'm Supposed to Cook

I actually like to cook. There's a weird sense of satisfaction that comes with preparing a meal at home and knowing it's so much better for you and way less expensive than a restaurant meal. Now this comes from a person who, for the last few years, has eaten the majority of her meals in restaurants. I'm not even joking. There were weekends when hubs and I would eat out three meals a day. Why? Laziness. Convenience. Lack of planning ahead. And we happen to live in an area with a crapton of great restaurants. Oh, and we just plain love food. a lot.

One thing I know for sure is that restaurant food has so many hidden calories. When we were attempting to  "be good" a server we became friendly with told us that they dip the steaks in butter before serving! No wonder they're so much juicier than the ones I make at home, right?

So now that it's summer, I've been experimenting a little in the kitchen. Jeff is a meat & potatoes kind of guy so sometimes Im pretty choosy about what I cook because I want to be sure he enjoys it too. {Am I a good wife or what?} Today Im sharing one of the recipes I made recently that we both really loved. It's this Spicy Baked Shrimp {recipe}

I'm seriously picky when it comes to shrimp. It has to have that firm texture that pops when you bite into it, and when it's cooked this way it totally does. I start with a bag of frozen, uncooked EZ Peel shrimp from Sam's, defrost and peel and then just follow the recipe pretty much as written. I did leave out the cayenne pepper, mostly because I didn't have it - and it was spicy enough for me without. I entered the recipe into a calorie calculator and found that if you divide it into four servings, each serving has 344 calories. Not so bad! I served it with my famous roasted broccoli and some frozen polenta from Trader Joes and the whole yummy satisfying meal came to 469 calories.

I made it again last night with some green beans and low fat Rice a Roni and it was just as yummy. It heats up pretty good for lunch the next today too. This recipe is also quick and easy so I can see it being a good go-to once school is back in session. Give it a try and let me know what you think!

I'm Supposed to Eat Broccoli

I'm not a big veggie lover, but I especially dislike broccoli. there's just something about the raw farty flavor of it that doesn't appeal to me. But I recently came across a recipe for roasted broccoli on Gonna Want Seconds that caught my attention. In her blog post, she promises that roasting it would caramelize it and bring out a nutty flavor. I know I need to eat more veggies and I do like nuts and caramelized things, so I gave it a whirl - and OMG is it good! Like so good, I find myself actually craving it. Now that's just weird.

Start by chopping up a head of fresh broccoli. I like to cut it really close to the tree part, leaving hardly any stem. Then lay it out on a baking sheet, drizzle with some olive oil, sprinkle with some salt and pepper and then mix it up with your hands to coat it really well.

Then pop it in the oven at 425 for about 25 minutes. I like to shake up the pan about halfway through. I also let it go until the tips of the broccoli trees are actually deep brown to almost black. It almost tastes like it's deep fried with some kind of crunchy batter on it. I'm not even kidding. My husband and I will eat a whole bunch (bale, group, head?) of broccoli like this with one dinner, which is good because it kind of loses the crunch faux-fried texture that I love when you re-heat it in the microwave.

Ive been cooking a LOT lately. I really think that eating home cooked meals is a big key to diet success. I think even when you try to order something healthy in a restaurant the portions are huge and there are so many hidden calories that you really can sabotage  yourself without even knowing it. Now coming from a girl who used to eat out at least 5 dinners a week, all this cooking at home business is a lot to get used to. But, it will be worth it in the end. I'll just keep telling myself that as I empty the dishwasher...

I'm Supposed to Walk

Ok, so I hate exercising. It's no secret. Partly because it's really hard for me. Like super hard. I mean, walking up the tiny ramp to from the parking lot to my classroom leaves me winded, so you can see how the idea of purposely making myself winded and sweaty doesn't really get me excited. I know that it gets easier as you do it, so I'm giving it a whirl. again.

I despise walking on a treadmill. We actually own a really nice one, so that's kind of a bummer. I don't mind the elliptical machine really, but this house has kind of low ceilings so because I didn't want to be winded and have a permanent dent in the top of my head, we opted for the treadmill. Not a total loss, my husband actually uses it a lot.

When you feel really self conscious exercising in front of other people, the gym isn't so appealing. Even walking outside in my neighborhood feels kind of embarrassing. So over the past week or so, I've been walking at home with Leslie. I've used her videos before and recently found new versions on YouTube.

I started with this one. It's about 15 minutes and even I got through it pretty easily.



Then I quickly graduated to this one, which is two miles and about 30 minutes. It started to get really hard for me when the timer showed 13 minutes to go, but I just powered through and by the time it gets to 9 minutes, it starts to slow down a bit.



I was doing the videos by myself and my husband would go for a walk outside.  But Florida in the summer either means humidity so thick you can actually see it or monster thunderstorms. So he tried a video with me one day and he's been doing with me for a few days now. Can I just say that I love doing it with him. The video, people! When I find myself feeling like I want to stop, I push through because he's there. And if he can do it I can do it. Plus he's pretty motivating. I like the feeling of being in it together. We did the 2 mile walk for a few days and then he suggested trying the 3 mile walk. I wasn't sure I was ready, but I did it! The time seemed to go faster for some reason. So me, She-Who-Hates-Exercise, is actually exercising!



Now I'm really going to blow your mind. Not only have we been doing these videos every day, we have also been going for another walk outside at night! Can you even believe? And the weirdest part? I've actually started to look forward to the night walks. It's usually a little cooler after the sun goes down and it's dark and quiet. I put together a good playlist which is essential and we plug in and go! Here's what I'm listening to currently:

It's always hard at first, but the music takes my mind off of it and somewhere around Joss Stone, I find my groove and then I feel like I could walk for miles. My hubby walks a lot faster than me, so he usually takes off and then we meet up again when he's on his way back.  Last night when he was significantly ahead of me, I started to wonder if I could run to him if I needed to. Like if a bear darted out of the bushes or a rogue alligator started chasing me. So, I looked around and when I knew I was totally alone except for the random car driving by, I tried it. I'm sure it wasn't pretty, but I ran for about 8 steps. I really was kind of in amazement that I even did it at all, so then I decided to try it for a minute. And I did it! I ran for a minute. Now to many fit people, that's a total joke, but for me? MAJOR VICTORY! Now, I'm not sure I could outrun a bear or alligator, but I can run dammit. For a minute anyway. Was I totally winded after that minute, uh yeah. Majorly winded. but I walked it off.

I don't think running is really in my future. I have serious plantar fasciitis and a creaky knee and I'm killing both already with all this walking, but I might sneak a minute or two in here and there. You know why? Just because I can. I can dammit!

I'm Supposed to Blog Here

I really hate when I read a blog and the first line is an excuse for why the blogger hasn't blogged in like forever. So, let's skip that part shall we? It's been two years. I have no excuse. But I'm back, I think. I'm not even sure if anyone is even reading this but just in case I lose a bajillion pounds and this blog becomes a hot topic, I figured there should be at least a little something-something to explain a two year gap. So that was it. You're welcome.

Ok, so it's summer and just like every summer, my plan is to really get down to business, start some type of exercise routine, and stop shoving crap down my gullet. Being a teacher, I have the luxury of making my own schedule for most of June, July, and August. Yes, I will do work for my classroom, for my other blog, for my tpt store, but I can do it when I choose and without being totally exhausted from work. Oh and being able to pee whenever I want! <--that's a pretty sweet deal.

As this school year came to an end, I was seriously counting down the days. I would wake up pretty miserable when I thought about the day ahead. I couldn't wait to come home before I even left the house. Why? Not for the reasons you might think. I love my job. I work at a great school with great kids and a great team. So, why the misery? Well, it starts with the trip to the closet to find something, anything, to wear. I have a closet full of clothes that looks something like this:

When your day begins with that kind of choice it kind of starts off going downhill. Even when you think you have found something that is comfortable and somewhat camouflaging, you see a picture like this and reality comes crashing down. hard. #camofail.

Yup, that's my butt. In an outfit that I thought was somewhat flattering. Uh no. Can you see now why I was counting down the days? I HAVE to lose some pounds before I go back in August. I thought that writing this blog would be good for me to process my thoughts, feelings, successes along the way. Of course, I've started and stopped writing this blog a few times too, but...

 And just maybe...

 So I guess I will...

And I will blog about what's going on in my world in hopes that it helps me. And someday maybe someone else. Only time will tell.

I'm supposed be over my Wagon Accident

So, are you ready for a little story? I was on this wagon, see, and I was riding it like a champ! Then the darn wagon overturned at the intersection of Valentine's Day and PMS Street. It wasn't pretty folks. The physical wreckage was awful, but the mental aftermath was even greater. It was a confusing time. How had I just had SO much control and now, not only had I fallen off the wagon, the freakin thing had run me over. several times.

I wallowed in self-pity for a while. And I consumed copious amounts of jellybeans and a wholesale warehouse sized bag of Cadburry mini eggs. For real. Now here I sit, feeling utterly awful, my biggest clothes feeling very snug and I'm slowly finding the resolve to start again.

The actual program I was following recently was actually working well. I was having a protein shake for breakfast and lunch and then a decent dinner. Shortly after the wagon accident, I attempted to start again, but the shake I came to enjoy most, Muscle Milk, turned on me. Literally. I made a late night trip to Walgreens to get my shakes to start right back on my plan and it was bad. bad bad bad. I wasn't quite sure it was bad. I thought maybe it was my imagination or my mind playing tricks on me, but the more I tried to choke it down, the more I realized I was drinking something long past its shelf-life. The shake made a very un-glamorous reappearance. and ever since then I can't even think of trying to drink another.

Now, as fate would have it, we recently had a rep from Mona-Vie come to our school during a health fair. She was there to share the new RVL weight loss program. It consists of (you guessed it) protein shakes! It was actually quite tasty. I picked up her information and waited about 3 weeks, why? I have no idea.
I just called tonight and ordered my first month's supply. It should arrive tomorrow. So, my wagon is out of the shop and I'm just about ready to ride again. Wish me luck!

I'm Supposed to be Empowered

Empowered? Me? I think so!

I have been drinking shakes, eating my protein and avoiding temptation like a fiend! I don't have any freakin idea why or how, but I'm not going to question it. I actually feel empowered, like a bolt from above has given me some semblance of self control & I like it. a lot.

I've only been following this new protein shake/protein regime for about 4 days, but I swear I already feel different physically. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised considering the stark contrast between the way I was eating and the way I've been eating recently. I was starting to feel so swollen everywhere, especially my legs. Bending down for a few minutes to find a book or look in the closet was actually really painful and would leave me with a strange sensation. I swear today I looked down at my feet and my ankles looked...skinnier? They really do look and feel less swollen. I couldn't quite believe it so periodically throughout the day I would glance down at my feet and check. One of my kids even asked why I kept looking at my feet. Oh, so observant those little ones!

It's not all in my head. According to the scale this morning, I've lost 5 pounds. It's all just water weight I'm sure, but I'll take it! I wore a pair of pants today that I had to leave unbuttoned just last week, but today they buttoned easily. These are just small glimpses into the future, I hope. I have two (yes two) closets of clothes that don't fit. I know what it feels like to try on clothes that haven't fit in a while and I so want that feeling again. 

Heading into the weekend will be a challenge. There are seriously weekends when we would eat out for every meal. EVERY one. That is just wrong on so many levels. That will have to change this weekend.

Here's hoping my newfound iron will doesn't abandon me anytime soon - that would suck. 

I'm Supposed to eat today!

So, I lived through two days of the liquid diet. This is actually day 3 and I decided to keep it going until dinner tonight. Today was just supposed to be soft, mushy food anyway, so instead I just had a protein shake during the day and I'm planning on having some tuna for dinner. Definitely had my share of coffee in there and I'm trying to down a bottle of water as I type this.

According to the 5 day plan, I'm supposed to have one more day of mushy food and then move on to solid protein. I think I might just hang back in this phase for a bit longer. I've been experimenting with protein shakes and found that of the three I bought, the Special K is the best, by far. Next would be Muscle Milk and the Atkins is hanging in at a solid third place. Surprisingly, I haven't really been too hungry. It's very strange. I feel free of decision making. I don't have to think about what to eat or feel guilty for eating or try to stop eating something I started picking on. I'm not feeling deprived because I know if I get hungry, I can just have a shake.

I have no idea where the hell this resolve has come from. I've spent the better part of the last year wallowing in self pity and disgust over not being able to use a speck of self control and now here I'm feeling all empowered, like this is no big whoop.

I can only hope this carries on for a while. I have a long way to go, but for the first time in a very, very long time, I have hope that I can finally get there.

I'm Supposed to Feel LIke This

Alrighty. Day one on the five day pouch diet plan and...well...I haven't strangled anyone or started eating through the piles of paper on my desk yet. I'll take that as a good sign. It's just about dinnertime and I have successfully managed to stay true to the liquid diet phase of the plan. Yay me!

I started with my beloved coffee. If a plan doesn't include coffee, it doesn't include me. So after two cups of coffee, I was feeling pretty good. I can actually go quite a while after I wake up without getting hungry (we shall see tomorrow if that's because I usually stuff myself to the gills the night before!). Around 10:00 I tried an Atkins chocolate mocha shake. It was just kind of meh. It wasn't horrible, but it certainly wasn't anything I'm looking forward to having again. I drank some water during the day and then had an iced latte (hey, it's liquid!). Around 3:30 I tried a sip of the chocolate Muscle Milk shake - wow - WAY better than the Atkins one! I'm actually kinda sorta looking forward to drinking it tomorrow. Around 4:30 I had some blended vegetable soup and for dinner I'm planning on a feast(?) of egg drop soup with some Chinese take-out for the hubs.

I actually feel good. Not just physically, but mentally. I know my battle will be won or lost in my mind. I can not remember the last time I felt in control of my eating. It's like I've been a victim of the food around me, powerless over its lure. I gave in every.single.time. If it crossed my mind to eat it and I had it, down my gullet it went. If I was at the store and saw something I wanted, I bought it. And ate it. All of it.  Fast food, favorite restaurant...no problem. I'm not saying that in the half a day that I've managed to show some form of restraint that I'm all cured and will be skinny tomorrow. But for today, I feel good. I feel in control for the first time in forever and I kind of feel like something clicked. Kind of like this girl.

So, thanks to anyone {especially you, Lorraine!} who sent me some good diety vibes. I think it's working. Keep 'em coming!

I'm Supposed to be on a Liquid Diet?

So, I've been dancing around the obvious. I've been hemming and hawing and looking for diet plans to try. I considered HGC until I read about the cost and the 500 calorie a day diet that I'm sure I would not be able to follow. All of this is pretty pointless. As I mentioned, I had gastric bypass surgery years ago - the whole dealio, all rerouted. I had an upper GI recently which confirmed that all of my new-ish plumbing is still intact and as good as the day I had surgery. What? Then how have I gained so much and how can I eat so much?

Well, it's not rocket science. I've been doing pretty much the opposite of everything I was told to do as a newbie pre-op. I have fallen into some seriously terrible habits that have got to stop. I was doing some research to find experiences of peeps like myself and stumbled upon this site - the Surgical Weight Loss Pouch Test Diet. As I read through most of the site, I feel like literally smacking myself. I've been fighting against what I've been given. I didn't come about the surgery easily. There was at least a year of doctor's appointments, insurance arguments, psychologist visits and endless paperwork before I had the surgery. The recovery was no joke. I had the full open surgery, so I had a giant wound and some serious pain to contend with along with adjusting to a whole new lifestyle. I did it though. I did great, actually. And now...well, now I've got to do that again. I'm starting with the five day pouch test on the site. The first two days are all liquids. I may need some extra "you can do this" vibes from anyone who may be reading. I can do this, right? I have to do this.

I recently met some pretty amazing professional goals I set for myself. I don't have that feeling of success so often. You know what? It feels pretty great. It feels pretty amazing, actually, and it feels damn empowering. I'm going to try to ride this high and let it carry over to my personal life. I am desperate to become the person I want to be and I'm sick of being the one holding myself back.

So, I had a great weekend of "last suppers" topped off with a Dove ice-cream bar and I'm ready to make a break from this kind of gluttony and self indulgence and take some solid steps into a better, healthier, happier future. Fingers crossed!

I'm supposed to make changes

I'm not gonna lie. I am struggling. Sometimes I feel like I need an intervention. I think I'm at a low point - maybe this will be rock bottom? I just can not get it together. I honestly think I need to eat more during the day. Well, more good things. I end up bringing a sandwich for lunch and that's just about all I eat until around 2:00 after the kids leave. Then I find myself looking for just about anything to munch on in the room (which is limited because I know myself). Then by the time I come home before I know it, I'm in the middle of a mini-binge. Afterwards I can't believe what I just ate. Not necessarily the quantity, but the weird randomness of it. Cheese, nuts, leftovers, pretzels, an English muffin..whatever I can find. Then about two hours later I eat a full meal for dinner. I know how wrong that is.

I have no energy. none. I am anemic, so I'm wondering if my iron is particularly low again. Once it was so low that my doctor put me on an intensive therapy as a last step before a blood transfusion. I remember around that time I had no energy. It was October. At our class party I couldn't even get it together to get my camera out of the bag to take pictures. I always look back on that time with such sadness. That kind of extreme exhaustion and malaise is also very mentally draining. I'm not quite at that point yet, but I'm getting close.  I did go for lab work just after Christmas, so I need to make an appt to see how it went.

If it wasn't for what I get accomplished in the virtual world, I think I'd really be feeling like a total waste. I do feel productive in my classroom and I know I'm doing well with my students, but at the end of the day, I'm completely drained. I'm completely over this, yet I feel like I'm fighting myself to change. If I was listening to someone else say this I'd smack them and tell them to just get it together already. Any takers?

I'm Supposed to have shoes

I started off this week with the best intentions. I felt like some miraculous spell would break up the dysfunctional relationship that exists between my hand and my mouth. I guess that's not much of a plan. I did say that I was going to drink more water, and I actually did do that. I just don't dig plain water - unless I'm super thirsty. I do like the little Crystal Light packets but they give me a strange pain in my stomach. Maybe I'll just squeeze some real lemon into the water...or just keep drinking the plain water until I get used to it...such a dilemma. I like these little motivation posters. I should probably keep them a little more visible throughout the day.

So the other thing I planned to do was start some kind of walking plan. I actually got all dressed and motivated and then I could not find my shoes! I am so ridiculously out of shape that what would seem like a leisurely stroll is like real exercise to me. If I don't wear really good sneakers, I get severe pains in my shins that last long after the walk is over. I finally got fitted by a professional and got a pair of New Balance walking shoes with a special insole and the pain is gone! Well...now so are my shoes! I did lace up my old Asics and actually go for the walk but I paid for it for DAYS after. I have searched high and low and can not find those dang shoes! I'm planning on one more sneaker search before I give up and buy a new pair. I also tried to do Just Dance 3 for the Wii which was freakin hilarious and actually pretty hard! Then I thought I'd do a check in on Wii Fit only to find that the batteries are dead. Maybe the exercise gods are trying to tell me something.

My feet are definitely starting to get pissed about having to carry the rest of me around. They are actually on the smallish side and they have been taking a beating for way too long. Lately I've been having the feeling like a hot nail is sticking into my heel unless I wear cushy flip-flops, Sketcher's Shape-ups or Crocs. I feel like I'm one step away from old lady orthopedics with velcro straps, for cripes sake! I have a closet full of cute shoes that I can't even think about wearing because I know the pain I'll be in the next day. At least they have lots of company with all of the clothes I can't even think about wearing.

On the up side, I did drink quite a bit of water today - almost a full bottle while writing this. The down side...I used it to wash down some Milk Duds from my Christmas stocking. Please, even I know how insane I am. Here I sit writing about wanting to lose weight while I eat Milk Duds?! WTF is wrong with me. I mean seriously.

I'm supposed to start today

Every time I've ever done any type of diet EVER, the beginning was always the same. There was an exact start day, a few "last suppers", declarations of my intent and lots of strict guidelines I promised to follow. Sometimes I even did follow the guidelines for a while, but just about every time, that extreme all-or-nothing change didn't stick around for long. In the end that just leaves me with a feeling of failure and even more self loathing. So, this time it's different. One difference is this blog in itself, the other main difference is going to be my plan of attack.

Instead of trying to reform everything about myself overnight, I've decided to baby-step it. I've mentioned before that I drink next to no water. Like none (unless it's used to brew coffee) For this week, I'm going to drink at least a 20 ounce bottle of water every day. I know that sounds like such a small step when I'm starting such an incredibly long journey, but I know me. Once I start making one small change, I start to make other small changes to help it add up. I've also rethought my intake/output thing. I was originally going to write it here, but it's really not practical. Instead I'll use  My Fitness Pal <--what a great app. It's free and super easy to use. I'm going to use it this week even though I'm not really following a specific plan yet.

Another HUGE step for me is getting over some resentment issues. I have this crazy resentment toward healthy things. Is that insane, or what? It took me a while to put a name to what I was feeling, but I think resentment kind of captures it. It's like I'm mad at healthy things. I don't want to eat grapes or carrots or things that are good for me almost out of spite. I guess because it's not what I truly want, and I'm resentful that I can't just have what I want. Wow, can I sound like more of a spoiled brat? I actually like a lot of healthy foods, but I've been so deep in self-indulgent, destructive patterns that seeing something healthy was almost like a reminder of how far down the rabbit hole I've slipped. I think that's kind of fading a bit. I'm starting to think more and more of the physical and mental pain I've endured for so long and trying to shift my resentment toward those feelings instead.

I've got a lifetime of memories wrapped up in my fatness. Throughout high school and college I worked at a little counter service family owned restaurant. It was frequented mostly by members of the cranky senior citizen set -you know, the ones who feel they've been on Earth long enough that they can say whatever they damn well please. Back then I was actually much thinner than I am now, although no beanpole  by anyone's standards. One day, an especially cantankerous old guy ordered a drink. I asked him what size and he shouted and I mean shouted, "Large, Large - just like you!" That was over 20 years ago and those words still ring in my mind as crystal clear as if they were shouted to me today. And they still cut like a knife, just as they did then. There is a lump in my throat at this very moment just reflecting on that memory. I'm sure that old buster never thought about me again after that day, yet his words have stayed with me for a lifetime. Those are the things that I should feel resentment towards, not vegetables. Don't think I don't know how incredibly bizarre that is. I'm going to take it as a good step that I can now see that. They say the first step is admitting that you have a problem. Well, I admit it. Now, let's see what I do about it.

I'm Supposed to Enjoy Life {more}

Ok, I enjoy life. I do. I enjoyed having my house full of family on Christmas Eve. I enjoyed Christmas morning with my husband and I super enjoyed spending Christmas day cruising the Intracoastal. I'm about to enjoy a few days in Orlando and then meeting up with some virtual friends in real life! But during just about every second of every one of those precious times, my weight was on my mind.

Just finding something to wear was enough to bum me out. I have all of our holiday clothes in a zippered storage bag in the closet. I knew that nothing in there was going to fit, but I pulled it down anyway and crossed my fingers. I have THE cutest holiday shirts in sizes ranging from large to 3X. None of them fit. None. So, I packed up my cute stuff and opted for a shirt that is kind of cute, but can easily be mistaken for a maternity top. And while I'm at it, what's with the little ties on the top of plus size shirts? Is that the 'it' trend in chubby couture? Do designers think that is some sort of flattering style accent? Seriously, I have so many shirts with random little ties at the neck. Some aren't even drawstrings, they're just sewn on so I can make a cute nauseating little bow at the neck. Is it supposed to distract from a second chin or something? Hmm..has Denise gained some wei....oh look! A bow! But, I digress...

The boat ride was fantastic and beautiful. The weather was perfect. But so many times I found the fat thoughts invading my serenity. Can I actually tip the boat over if I step on the edge? Can everyone upstairs tell when I move to one side downstairs? Will I fit in the bathroom? Can I climb that skinny staircase to the top? Am I taking up too much space on the seat? It is mentally exhausting to have to fight my brain to try to relax. A few adult beverages helped with that and I did end up having a nice time trying to figure out what the hell those people who actually live in the mansions that line the waterway do for a living. They are certainly NOT teachers, that much I know. Here I am starting to loosen up:

Even now, looking forward to taking a few days to road-trip with the hubs,  the excitement is overshadowed by my hips and thighs - a very common experience in my universe. Especially meeting people I've only really known online. Will they think differently of me when they see me in person? Do they have a mental image of someone all thin and put together? Will they assume I'm lazy and "less-than" because now they can see the real me? Will the small flaws in my work now become major distractions because they're linked to the person they see as large and lazy and unprofessional? I really can drive myself crazy with these kind of thoughts.

Then there are the pictures. My husband takes great pictures and I'm so thankful that he always has his camera and captures our family moments without fail, because if he didn't nobody else would! But oh man, the personal mental war raging in my mind is in full effect in the pictures. I feel like I'm enjoying myself and smiling in the pictures, but then when I see them the next day...I really see it. Beyond my puffy face, forced smile and honky tonk badonkadonk, I can see the sadness and pain in my own eyes. It's there, even if it's not evident to everyone else, I can see it. I can certainly feel it. The eyes are the windows to the soul and right now, they are mighty smudged. I don't want to spend another Christmas like this. Smiling for a picture I know I'll hate. Not wearing the cute Christmas shirts taking up precious real estate in my closet. Being upset that the cute clothes hubby gifted to me don't fit. Letting the spirit of the season be overshadowed by the size of my size of my ass. Not fully enjoying every single precious second with family and friends.

That being said, I haven't yet really "started" <---terminology well known professional dieter peeps, such as myself. I'm not pretending to have, either. I'm still enjoying my leftovers, eating the cookies I baked, looking forward to the restaurants we love in Orlando and Naples. But I have been making a concerted effort to drink more water. I can really go the entire day with out any water at all unless it's a sip to take a pill or used to brew coffee. I'm baby-stepping it. I'm also committing to writing here at least three times a week. Even if no one else is reading it (which is actually kind of sad to imagine) it will serve as a great record of my journey to remind myself of how far I've come next Christmas when I'm pulling on my cute shirt and smiling for pictures with as much joy in my eyes as there is in my heart.

I'm supposed to move easier

Lately I've actually been finding it hard to move myself. Like flipping over in bed and getting up and down. I am carrying around some serious extra pounds. Not a few I wish I could wear skinny jeans pounds, but more like I'm finding it hard to do simple things pounds . I still can not believe I've gotten myself into this position. It's really pissing me off that I have to go back to the start and begin this whole thing over again. What's the alternative? Just be a big fat, fatty? I can't pretend I love myself this way or that I'm happy this way. More power to those who can. I believe there are people who can be large and in charge and full of confidence with a trunk full of junk. I can not.

Maneuvering in and out of restaurant booths is getting more difficult and it's next to impossible to look the least bit feminine exiting the car. It literally hurts my legs to squat down at this point. I almost feel like my skin is being stretched well beyond the point of its elasticity. Sitting on the floor is completely out of the question. That really bothers me as a teacher. Some of the best classroom experiences were those in which I was sitting on the floor with my kids. Currently, I have a director's chair that I sit in while the kids sit on the carpet in front of me. For one thing, the chair moans and creaks way too much for my comfort level and for another, there's such a distance between me the kids. It just feels very unnatural. I'm supposed to be on the floor with them or at the very least sitting comfortably with my legs crossed in the chair, not squeezed in so tight that I worry that the chair leave the floor, still attached to my rump, when I stand up.

I am so tired of sizing up chairs before I sit down to complete some useless mental math calculation of my ass width vs. the size and stability of the chair about to receive it. It's exhausting, embarrassing and pointless. The ass always wins. Always.

I keep saying that I'll start after the new year. Really, what's the point of trying to "being good" now, a week before Christmas? I am going to try to drink more water starting now though. I think I could be a little dehydrated. I seriously am part camel. I drink tons of coffee daily and next to no water. There are days when I literally drink only a sip or two of water to swallow a pill for a headache, which is probably because I need to drink more water! <--vicious cycle, anyone? Maybe if I start with some baby steps now, it won't be such a shock to the system when I really do "start". I usually jump into a diet with a cold-turkey, all at once, obsessive nature that seems to get me nowhere. This time I really want to do it differently so I end up with a different outcome. Wouldn't it be so nice if this time next year, I was writing  about shopping for something fun to wear for the holidays or actually being excited about going to parties or seeing old friends? The only thing standing in the way of that happening is me. I am my own worst enemy. I've really got to find a way to get along better with myself!

Continuing with my intake/output idea, here's today:
Intake
scrambled eggs w/ cheese
3 slices of bacon
english muffin w/butter
3+ cups of coffee
3 pieces of homemade pizza
2 small bags of Skinny Cow candy <--way better than I expected!! These are going to be a great snack/treat when I really get on some type of plan
(it's only 4:30)

Output
Well, I took two naps and suggested that we go for a walk, but never actually did so. This has got to change.

I'm supposed to know better

I know it's all about intake and output. I'm no diet dummy. I've been around the block a time or two. The problem is that I keep stopping at the bakeries and Starbucks on the block. I know what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to do it and yet do I do it? No. Instead I bitch and complain and promise myself that I'll start tomorrow.

I think it would help me to see my transgressions in print. I'm going to add an intake and output section to my posts. Maybe it will embarrass me into being less piggish. I'm not going to pretend that I have no idea why I've gained so much weight, I know.
Here's the reason:

Today's intake
3 cups coffee w/half and half
2 scrambled eggs w/ cheese & homemade hasbrowns (no skimping on oil/butter)
Lunch out: 2 garlic rolls, shared pasta fagioli soup, giant slice of pizza
Starbucks venti cafe mocha w/whip <--this is a BIG part of my problem
Haven't eaten dinner yet, but I'm sure this list is not done yet.
*edited to add: way tooooo many Absolute & cranberrries at a bdparty followed by 2 chalupas and something called a "blast". ick.

Today's Output
um, I walked around the Christmas store and decorated the tree. Does that count?

So far, no one is following me, so no need for witty closing. The crickets don't really care how I sign off.
Toodles.

I'm supposed to be...

I think I have finally decided on a groove for this blog. If you started at the start, you already know that this blog has been a bit schitzophrenic in its development.  Now I  am settled on its direction (for now, ha!). The title has been Who I'm Supposed To Be for a while now but it didn't dawn on me until a few days ago, that each post should also have the same title. Well, not exactly the same, that would be way to confusing.

I think I'll title each post with I'm Supposed to be followed by something that I should be but currently am not. For example: I'm supposed to be someone who has her shit together. Now, they won't all be so vulgar (that's not bad, right? Just keepin it realz!) but that's the gist. Then I will post all the things I obsess about that fall under that category. I already have a bunch lined up in my brain. Like these little beauties: I'm Supposed to be Able to Cross My Legs, I'm supposed to be Someone Who Wears Jewelry, I'm supposed to Wear the Clothes in my Closet. Get it? I think I'll abbreviate the first part, because I'm already sick of typing all that out. Maybe I'll start with ISBSW and if you're one of the cool kids who actually started at the start and read this post, you'll know that that means "I'm Supposed to be Someone Who..." but as I type this I'm envisioning all of the people who won't have read this asking me repeatedly wtf that means. (see how I turned down the vulgarity there? Teachers call that differentiating. You can either say the real f-word to yourself, or substitute something more family friendly, like fudge for example. mmmm fudge. great. now I want fudge.)

The thing that makes me a little nervous is that I read The Secret (well, I listened to the audiobook) and according to Rhonda, I'm not supposed to think so much about what I am currently or what I don't like because I'll just attract more of that to me. She might be on to something because all I do is obsess over my fatness and I seem to keep attracting more fatness. I'll have to weave in some positivity to counterbalance...

So I hope you'll join me on this little journey. I have found so many great blogs of people who were already done with the struggle, which are so inspiring, but I've never really followed along with someone on the way down to slim town. So if you'd like to hang with me while I try it, you're are welcome to come along for the ride.