I'm Supposed to Make a Decision

So here I sit the day after Christmas. My brain is wrapped up in my annual emotional holiday shitstorm. I actually had a great few days, filled with family, food, laughter. I was spoiled by my husband on Christmas morning. So what's bothering me? The usual. I'm sitting here looking at pictures and being upset that I hate what I look like in every single one of them. I'm pissed that the good streak I was on in the summer evaporated once school started in the fall. I'm depressed that even if by some miracle I manage to work my ass off, I'm still going to be a tubalub in Vegas this summer. I missed the trip last summer for the same exact reason and now I have to decide whether to go and be super self conscious or stay home again and miss out on the great experience.

I'm my own worst enemy. I beat myself up daily. hourly. constantly.
I need to make a decision. Do I continue to live the way I do and figure out how to love myself or do I change? Can I even change? It's been 43 years and I haven't changed yet. But I feel like if I could just devote one solid year to being a better me, I'd be so much happier at this time next year. I mean, it's not that hard. Eat less, move more. But apparently, it is hard.  It's actually proven to be quite impossible.

Sometimes I feel like I'm l living a half of a life. Or maybe it's more like a double life. I'm blessed with an amazing husband who loves me to pieces and a family that means the world to me. I have a career that I love, where I feel like I really make a difference. I run a business that allows me to explore my creative side and has provided us with a level of financial comfort I never thought I'd know in  my lifetime. I should be happy. I look happy. I even feel pretty happy most of the time. But deep down, I always feel like the one thing I really want, the one goal I always strive for, that ONE crowning achievement is always just out of my grasp. And it's all my fault. And it drives me crazy.

Let's see if this is the year it drives me crazy enouth to do something about it.

I'm Supposed to Get Right Back at It

So yesterday I bitched and complained and cried about how sloooooowwww the weight is coming off. It was my birthday. So I had a boycott day. I was a rebel. I had a sausage pizza from my very favorite pizza place. My snack was a nice fatty Starbucks. Then some cold leftover pizza. Then for dinner? A big juicy hamburger and real FRIED french fries from Shake Shack. Oh, I'm not even done. On the way home, we stopped at Cheesecake Factory and took home a big ol' slab of calories. Here's my chubby cheeks blowing out the candle.

It was good. All of it. It was like old times before I broke up with restaurants and eating like a hog. I was secretly hoping that at some point during the day I would feel sick and think - "see this is why I'm eating healthy!" but guess what. I didn't. I liked it...

This is kind of funny - Jeff bought me two new Leslie Sansone power walking tapes. I really wanted to just preview them a little to see which one we'd start with. So we watched them while we ate our cheesecake. So wrong that it almost felt right.

I think I could safely say yesterday was a binge. But something was different this time. Normally a binge like that for me means a few more days (a month, a year?) of horrible binge-like eating. But I kind of knew all day yesterday that this was a one shot deal. It was my birthday, I was mad at not seeing results, and I purposely ate whatever I wanted. I even still entered it into  My Fitness Pal because I didn't want to lose my 34 day streak! I had never seen that angry red line before... oops!

So my intentional one day birthday/pity party binge is over. And today I'm not feeling mad or pissed or even like it will be hard to get back on track. I'm ready to make some changes to my diet - really be more mindful of the clean eating strategy, say tootles to Starbucks for a while, and guzzle water like an elephant. I'll be lacing up my sneakers in a bit to pound some tile with Leslie. And I'll get on the scale next Saturday and hopefully be rewarded for my effort. Right?

I'm Supposed to See Results

Yeah, supposed to but NOT! I have been at this healthy new lifestyle of mine for 34 days now. See?

That's 34 days of exercising twice a day, just about every day and counting EVERY.SINGLE.CALORIE I've eaten. And I've lost a grand total of 10 pounds. Not even, it's 9.6. My Fitness Pal rounds up...

I have to say, I'm a bit discouraged. Not really for the 10 pounds. If I could lose 10 pounds in a month, every month, I'd be a happy camper. The problem is that over the last three weeks, I've only lost a total of two pounds. Three weeks of HARD work for two pounds? So each of the last three weeks when I weighed myself (on Saturdays only) I'm seeing the scale nudge under a half pound each time. When you've got a crapton to lose like me, that's some slow ass progress. I keep hoping that one Saturday I'll lose some crazy amount like 3 or 4 pounds to make up for it, but no.  Ready for this? What happened this week? On my flippin' birthday, no less? I GAINED a pound! For serious?!

Is this a test of my patience? my faith? my commitment to a healthy lifestyle? I'm putting in the work - the hard work - for the first time in a long time. I'm not following some fad diet, no pills, or potions. I'm doing it the "right" way for the first time... and I'm not seeing results. That's disheartening.

I gave up my whole summer to devote myself to getting on track. I didn't go to Vegas with all of my teacher friends. I haven't taken a vacation. I haven't even gone away for a day trip with my husband! I really wanted to go back to school with some noticeable results to show for all of my sacrifice, all of my effort, but it's not looking like that's going to happen. Makes me kinda want to cry.

I'm not even seeing those "non-scale victories". My clothes feel about the same. I think I look the same. I do feel a little better. I have more energy and I'm proud of the level of rigorous (for me) exercise I've worked up to - but I NEED real results. Like pounds lost, loose clothes, bubble butt shrinking results. 

Strangely, it's not enough yet to make me give up. This is the longest time that I can remember that I've been consistent with exercise and healthy eating and I'm not quite ready to throw it all away. Oh, I've cried and pouted and thrown a massive hissy fit - but I'm not ready to give up. 

I'm going to keep chugging along. I'm going to up my water intake next week and cut out my beloved Starbucks (even though it's way skinnied down already). I can't say I'll exercise more - I think twice a day is enough. I did make a doctor's appointment to see if maybe, just maybe there's a medical reason this is happening? Maybe I'll step on the scale next week and be rewarded with a big ol' drop and I'll feel elated. Or maybe it will be less than half a pound and I'll cry in my coffee again. Only time will tell...

I'm Supposed to Cook

I actually like to cook. There's a weird sense of satisfaction that comes with preparing a meal at home and knowing it's so much better for you and way less expensive than a restaurant meal. Now this comes from a person who, for the last few years, has eaten the majority of her meals in restaurants. I'm not even joking. There were weekends when hubs and I would eat out three meals a day. Why? Laziness. Convenience. Lack of planning ahead. And we happen to live in an area with a crapton of great restaurants. Oh, and we just plain love food. a lot.

One thing I know for sure is that restaurant food has so many hidden calories. When we were attempting to  "be good" a server we became friendly with told us that they dip the steaks in butter before serving! No wonder they're so much juicier than the ones I make at home, right?

So now that it's summer, I've been experimenting a little in the kitchen. Jeff is a meat & potatoes kind of guy so sometimes Im pretty choosy about what I cook because I want to be sure he enjoys it too. {Am I a good wife or what?} Today Im sharing one of the recipes I made recently that we both really loved. It's this Spicy Baked Shrimp {recipe}

I'm seriously picky when it comes to shrimp. It has to have that firm texture that pops when you bite into it, and when it's cooked this way it totally does. I start with a bag of frozen, uncooked EZ Peel shrimp from Sam's, defrost and peel and then just follow the recipe pretty much as written. I did leave out the cayenne pepper, mostly because I didn't have it - and it was spicy enough for me without. I entered the recipe into a calorie calculator and found that if you divide it into four servings, each serving has 344 calories. Not so bad! I served it with my famous roasted broccoli and some frozen polenta from Trader Joes and the whole yummy satisfying meal came to 469 calories.

I made it again last night with some green beans and low fat Rice a Roni and it was just as yummy. It heats up pretty good for lunch the next today too. This recipe is also quick and easy so I can see it being a good go-to once school is back in session. Give it a try and let me know what you think!

I'm Supposed to Eat Broccoli

I'm not a big veggie lover, but I especially dislike broccoli. there's just something about the raw farty flavor of it that doesn't appeal to me. But I recently came across a recipe for roasted broccoli on Gonna Want Seconds that caught my attention. In her blog post, she promises that roasting it would caramelize it and bring out a nutty flavor. I know I need to eat more veggies and I do like nuts and caramelized things, so I gave it a whirl - and OMG is it good! Like so good, I find myself actually craving it. Now that's just weird.

Start by chopping up a head of fresh broccoli. I like to cut it really close to the tree part, leaving hardly any stem. Then lay it out on a baking sheet, drizzle with some olive oil, sprinkle with some salt and pepper and then mix it up with your hands to coat it really well.

Then pop it in the oven at 425 for about 25 minutes. I like to shake up the pan about halfway through. I also let it go until the tips of the broccoli trees are actually deep brown to almost black. It almost tastes like it's deep fried with some kind of crunchy batter on it. I'm not even kidding. My husband and I will eat a whole bunch (bale, group, head?) of broccoli like this with one dinner, which is good because it kind of loses the crunch faux-fried texture that I love when you re-heat it in the microwave.

Ive been cooking a LOT lately. I really think that eating home cooked meals is a big key to diet success. I think even when you try to order something healthy in a restaurant the portions are huge and there are so many hidden calories that you really can sabotage  yourself without even knowing it. Now coming from a girl who used to eat out at least 5 dinners a week, all this cooking at home business is a lot to get used to. But, it will be worth it in the end. I'll just keep telling myself that as I empty the dishwasher...

I'm Supposed to Walk

Ok, so I hate exercising. It's no secret. Partly because it's really hard for me. Like super hard. I mean, walking up the tiny ramp to from the parking lot to my classroom leaves me winded, so you can see how the idea of purposely making myself winded and sweaty doesn't really get me excited. I know that it gets easier as you do it, so I'm giving it a whirl. again.

I despise walking on a treadmill. We actually own a really nice one, so that's kind of a bummer. I don't mind the elliptical machine really, but this house has kind of low ceilings so because I didn't want to be winded and have a permanent dent in the top of my head, we opted for the treadmill. Not a total loss, my husband actually uses it a lot.

When you feel really self conscious exercising in front of other people, the gym isn't so appealing. Even walking outside in my neighborhood feels kind of embarrassing. So over the past week or so, I've been walking at home with Leslie. I've used her videos before and recently found new versions on YouTube.

I started with this one. It's about 15 minutes and even I got through it pretty easily.



Then I quickly graduated to this one, which is two miles and about 30 minutes. It started to get really hard for me when the timer showed 13 minutes to go, but I just powered through and by the time it gets to 9 minutes, it starts to slow down a bit.



I was doing the videos by myself and my husband would go for a walk outside.  But Florida in the summer either means humidity so thick you can actually see it or monster thunderstorms. So he tried a video with me one day and he's been doing with me for a few days now. Can I just say that I love doing it with him. The video, people! When I find myself feeling like I want to stop, I push through because he's there. And if he can do it I can do it. Plus he's pretty motivating. I like the feeling of being in it together. We did the 2 mile walk for a few days and then he suggested trying the 3 mile walk. I wasn't sure I was ready, but I did it! The time seemed to go faster for some reason. So me, She-Who-Hates-Exercise, is actually exercising!



Now I'm really going to blow your mind. Not only have we been doing these videos every day, we have also been going for another walk outside at night! Can you even believe? And the weirdest part? I've actually started to look forward to the night walks. It's usually a little cooler after the sun goes down and it's dark and quiet. I put together a good playlist which is essential and we plug in and go! Here's what I'm listening to currently:

It's always hard at first, but the music takes my mind off of it and somewhere around Joss Stone, I find my groove and then I feel like I could walk for miles. My hubby walks a lot faster than me, so he usually takes off and then we meet up again when he's on his way back.  Last night when he was significantly ahead of me, I started to wonder if I could run to him if I needed to. Like if a bear darted out of the bushes or a rogue alligator started chasing me. So, I looked around and when I knew I was totally alone except for the random car driving by, I tried it. I'm sure it wasn't pretty, but I ran for about 8 steps. I really was kind of in amazement that I even did it at all, so then I decided to try it for a minute. And I did it! I ran for a minute. Now to many fit people, that's a total joke, but for me? MAJOR VICTORY! Now, I'm not sure I could outrun a bear or alligator, but I can run dammit. For a minute anyway. Was I totally winded after that minute, uh yeah. Majorly winded. but I walked it off.

I don't think running is really in my future. I have serious plantar fasciitis and a creaky knee and I'm killing both already with all this walking, but I might sneak a minute or two in here and there. You know why? Just because I can. I can dammit!

I'm Supposed to Blog Here

I really hate when I read a blog and the first line is an excuse for why the blogger hasn't blogged in like forever. So, let's skip that part shall we? It's been two years. I have no excuse. But I'm back, I think. I'm not even sure if anyone is even reading this but just in case I lose a bajillion pounds and this blog becomes a hot topic, I figured there should be at least a little something-something to explain a two year gap. So that was it. You're welcome.

Ok, so it's summer and just like every summer, my plan is to really get down to business, start some type of exercise routine, and stop shoving crap down my gullet. Being a teacher, I have the luxury of making my own schedule for most of June, July, and August. Yes, I will do work for my classroom, for my other blog, for my tpt store, but I can do it when I choose and without being totally exhausted from work. Oh and being able to pee whenever I want! <--that's a pretty sweet deal.

As this school year came to an end, I was seriously counting down the days. I would wake up pretty miserable when I thought about the day ahead. I couldn't wait to come home before I even left the house. Why? Not for the reasons you might think. I love my job. I work at a great school with great kids and a great team. So, why the misery? Well, it starts with the trip to the closet to find something, anything, to wear. I have a closet full of clothes that looks something like this:

When your day begins with that kind of choice it kind of starts off going downhill. Even when you think you have found something that is comfortable and somewhat camouflaging, you see a picture like this and reality comes crashing down. hard. #camofail.

Yup, that's my butt. In an outfit that I thought was somewhat flattering. Uh no. Can you see now why I was counting down the days? I HAVE to lose some pounds before I go back in August. I thought that writing this blog would be good for me to process my thoughts, feelings, successes along the way. Of course, I've started and stopped writing this blog a few times too, but...

 And just maybe...

 So I guess I will...

And I will blog about what's going on in my world in hopes that it helps me. And someday maybe someone else. Only time will tell.